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Warning! This material is rated X Modern Contemporary Literature Pop Sub Culture! Warning!
FEAR IS CONTAGIOUS © 1999 LILIAN I. WARING in affiliation with M. DANTE' ASSOCIATES This is a piece in progress. If you're interested in understanding more about this piece, please contact Lili. Due to the graphic nature of the content, requests for more information and or copy must be accompanied by intent of purpose. FEAR IS CONTAGIOUS LOVE. FEAR. LOVE. WHAT IS LOVE? "A COMMERCIALIZED AND CREATED CONCEPT." SHE WHISPERED TO HERSELF. "LIKE FUN."SHE IS GOOD AT HAVING FUN. COMMERCIALIZED AND CREATED TO HOWEVER YOU MAY DEFINE IT. IT SCARES PEOPLE. IT ALSO SCARES PEOPLE THAT SHE HAS LIVED FOR SO LONG WITHOUT EITHER LOVE NOR FUN AS MOST PEOPLE NEED IT. WITHOUT LOVE, AND WITHOUT ANY FUN. WHO WOULD WANT TO LIVE AT ALL? IT MADE THEM FEEL FEAR. MOST FEMININE STATES HAVE BEEN SO EXPLORED AND/OR EXPLOITED, ALL WOMEN CAN BE EASILY CATEGORIZED, CAN'T THEY? SHE CAN'T. SHE DOES NOT FIT INTO ANY 13F THOSE PREFABRICATED BOXES OF RITUALIZED EXPLANATION AND FEIGNED CONFUSION. SHE IS LIKE THAT SONG ON THE PATTY SMITH ALBUM, DANCING BAREFOOT. IT MADE THEM ALL FALL IN LOVE WITH HER. LOVE IS VERY RARE. TRUE LOVE. GENUINE LOVE. SHE LOVES HERSELF. SHE'S HAD TO LEARN TO BECAUSE THERE WAS TOO MUCH HATRED ALL AROUND HER. TOO MUCH HATRED GENERATED TOWARDS HER. A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT MAKES HER A WHORE. THAT 1S NOT WHAT MAKES HER A WHORE. THE FACT THAT SHE IS ONE IS MERELY A COINCIDENCE. A WHORE IN THE TRUE: SENSE OF THE WORD. A HOOKER. A CALL GIRL. A PROSTITUTE. LIKE THEY HAVE IN LONDON. OR WHAT WE BELIEVE THEY HAVE IN LONDON. THOUGH NOT REALLY IN AMERICA, BECAUSE AMERICA DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THAT TYPE OF BEHAVIOR. A DOMINATRIX. A REAL ONE. SHE DOES NOT TELL THEM WHAT TO D0, SHE SEDUCES THEM INTO HAVING TO DO IT. IT IS NOT HER FAULT. ASK ANYONE SHE KNOWS. THEY ALL KNOW, TOO. AND THEY WILL ALL TELL YOU THAT IT IS NOT HER FAULT IT 'S NOT ANYONE'S FAULT. IT JUST IS. SHE STARTED AT IN A DIFFERENT PLACE, AT A DIFFERENT TIME ? AND SHE WAS VERY YOUNG ? SHE DID NOT KNOW WHAT IT ALL MEANT OR WOULD COME TO MEAN. SHE WAS JUST A FEW MONTHS INTO SIXTEEN. NOW SHE IS OLDER. SHE: IS VERY .... I WANT TO SAY THAT SHE IS MEAN, BUT AFTER YOU KNOW HER THERE IS NO MORE NICE OR MEAN: YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS ALL RELEVANT. SHE IS A LOVELY GIRL. I HATE THE WAY SHE IS REFERRED TO AS A GIRL. WORKING GIRL. FOREVER THESE FLICKED LITTLE GIRLS WITHOUT MORALS. SHE IS A YOUNG WOMAN. A LADY. SHE IS ... TOO PRETTY. TOO MANY UNFORGETTABLE DAYS AND NIGHTS. SOMETIMES SHE HAS CONVULSIONS IN HER SLEEP FROM THE NIGHTMARES. SOMETIMES SHE SEEMS TO WAKE UP, BUT IT IS NOT BEING AWAKE. IT IS LIKE WHEN VIETNAM VETERANS AWAKE, AND ARE BY THE FRONT LINES OR SOMETHING. IT IS ALRIGHT, THOUGH. SHE DOES NOT EVEN REALIZE IT, UNLESS IT 19 REALLY SAO. AND LUCKILY ... SHE KNOWS A LOT OF PEOPLE. SHE JUST MEDICATES IF IT GETS REALLY BAD. SHE KNOWS A LOT OF PEOPLE, AND THEY MAKE SURE THAT IF SHE NEEDS SOMETHING, SHE CAN GET IT REALLY CHEAP! AND WITHOUT ANYONE EVEN KNOWING. IT IS A SHAME. SHE SHOULD HAVE: SOMEONE TO KEEP AWAY THE DREAMS WHILE SHE SLEEPS. SHE DOES, I SUPPOSE. SHE HAS HERSELF. "FUCK THE FUCK OFF!" COCAINE. TEQUILA. THESE THINGS ARE HER LOVE. THINGS THAT PEOPLE FEAR, AND FEARS BUY PEOPLE LIKE HER WHAT EVER THEY WANT AT A VERY GOOD PRICE. ''OH my LORD! PROTECT ME, PLEASE. DON'T LET THEM GET ME. DON'T LET THEM HURT ME." SHE IS STILL ASLEEP WHEN SHE ASKS FOR THAT. SHE IS NOT EVEN AWAKE. SHE IS STILL ASLEEP, AND SHE IS TALKING TO HER LORD. WHENEVER SHE IS SOBER, THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS. WHEN SHE GETS HIGH, IT IS NOT LIKE WHEN MOST PEOPLE GET HIGH. SHE FEELS SO MUCH PAIN THAT IT ALL JUST KIND OF ABSORBS INTO A PART OF HER S0 DEEP INSIDE THAT SHE JUST FUNCTIONS LIKE SHE IS FINE. BECAUSE WHEN SHE IS LIKE THAT SHE IS. SHE FEELS IT A SHIELD, BESIDES. IF THEY WERE TO TRY TO GET HER, SHE'D BE S0 NUMB FROM GRAM AFTER GRAM AFTER GRAM OF PURE GRADE COCAINE AND KETAMINE SHE'D DIE WITH A SINISTER SMILE OF SATISFACTION ON HER FACE. YOU KNOW IF THEY ACTUALLY TRIED TO TO WHAT? IT SCARES ME TO THINK ABOUT IT. AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW, I CAN NOT TELL YOU. IT IS CONTAGIOUS. AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF HER NOW. SHE DOES NOT CARE, THOUGH. SHE LOVES HERSELF. AND HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN SAY THAT? WITHOUT ARROGANCE. WITHOUT FALSE PRIDE. WITHOUT LYING? BRYN MAWR. WYNWOOD. BALA. CYNWOOD. SIN. "YEA ? IT IS A SIN, BUT SO WHAT ?" IT COULD BE WORSE AFTER ALL. ON THE SOUTHWEST SIDE SOME GUY HAD A WORKING GIRL IN HIS CLOSET WITH A CAN OF URINE, INSTEAD OF PEPSI, DIGESTED. HER EAR WAS CUT OFF. "AND THAT IS TRULY A SIN, NOW ISN'T IT?" SHE COULD NOT BE TOO CONCERNED. SHE WAS OUT OF MONEY. EVERYTHING WAS PAID. EVERYTHING. BUT WHAT IS LIFE IF WHEN YOU PAY YOUR BILLS YOU DO NOT HAVE A WALLET FULL OF CASH AFTERWARDS" SOMETIMES SHE WAKES UP PRAYING. SHE GETS EMBARRASSED, BUT IS KIND OF BEAUTIFUL. SHE WAKES UP PRAYING THAT NOBODY KILLS HER. LIKE THEY WANTED TO DO, AND MAYBE STILL WILL AT SOME POINT. SOMEONE WANTED TO TORTURE HER, AND RAPE HER, AND MAKE A MOVIE OF IT, BUT NOT THE KIND THAT NICOLAS CAGE OR GEORGE C. SCOTT MADE… SOMEONE WANTED TO REALLY MAKE ONE OF HER. AND SHE LIKES THE MOVIE VIDEO DRONE. AND SHE LIKES THE MOVIE LOST HIGHWAY. AND SHE LIKED GEORGE C. SCOTT IN HARDCORE, BUT SHE COULD ONLY WATCH IT BECAUSE SHE WAS IN BED WITH A NEW FRIEND WHO EARNED EXTRA MONEY BY BREAKING PEOPLE'S LEGS FOR A LIVING. SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN AFRAID IF SHE WAS ALL ALONE. INSTEAD OF WAKING UP PRAYING, SHE MAY HAVE WOKEN UP INSTEAD WITH CONVULSIONS, AND NO ONE TO CARE OR TO HELP HER. I THINK IT IS BEAUTIFUL WHEN SHE WAKES LIP PRAYING. THAT WAY THERE IS A HAND FOR HER TO HOLD AS SHE PASSES FROM ONE DIMENSION TO ANOTHER. ANGELS MIGHT HEAR HER, FOR I KNOW SHE IS TALKING TO SOMEONE. I HOPE THAT IT IS NOT TO THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO KILL HER. I HOPE IT IS TO AN ANGEL WHO GUARDS OVER, AND PROTECTS HER. I HOPE THAT SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO BEG HIM. BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT SEEMS THAT SHE IS BEGGING. AND I DO NOT THINK IT BECOMES HER. I THINK IT IS MORE ATTRACTIVE WHEN SHE SIMPLY STATES SOMETHING. I WONDER WHAT THEY DID TO HER TO MAKE HER S0 AFRAID. SHE WASN'T ALWAYS. SHE WASN'T AFRAID AT ALL. IF SHE WAS. NO ONE EVER KNEW, NOW THOUGH, I DON'T WHAT SHE FEELS ? IT TRANSCENDS WHAT WE WERE TAUGHT PEOPLE FEEL IN SCHOOL . I WANT TO UNDERSTAND, BUT I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY, SO I SYMPATHIZE WITH HER, AND WORSHIP HER FOR NOT CAVING IN TO WHATEVER IT IS OR MAY HAVE BEEN... SHE BELIEVES SHE IS WORTHY ENOUGH FOR GOD OR THE GODDESS OR WHOEVER SHE IS PRAYING BEFORE TO HEAR HER, AND LOVE HER ENOUGH TO LET HER NOT BE A VICTIM. IT MAKES ME AFRAID, BECAUSE IF SHE: GIVES UP THAT BELIEF, I BELIEVE THAT SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. ON THE SW SIDE OF PHILADELPHIA A WOMAN WAS LOCKED IN THE CLOSET WITH HER EAR CUT OFF, AND A CAN OF URINE MARKED PEPSI HAD BEEN FORCEFULLY DIGESTED, AND A MAN ACROSS THE HALL WAS WHAT THE ONLOOKERS WERE TOLD THERE WAS, AND HE WOULD CUT OUT THEIR ORGANS, EVISCERATE THEM, IF THEY SAID ANYTHING OR TOLD ANYONE. I HAVE A COPY OF THE NEWSPAPER ARTICLE. HE WENT TO JAIL. SHE WAS THERE A WEEK BEFORE HE WENT TO JAIL, BUT WAS NOT HAPPY THERE FOR SOME REASON, AND SHE WANTED TO GO HOME. HE DROVE HER BACK TO THE BROTHEL SHE'D BEEN AT BEFORE. THE BROTHEL THAT SENT HER TO HIM. HE WAS NICE TO HER, BUT HE COULD HAVE KILLED HER INSTEAD. SOME PEOPLE MAY THINK HER PRAYERS ARE FOOLISH. I THINK IT IS BEAUTIFUL, BUT AT TIMES IT MAKES ME CRY. SOMETIMES SHE WAKES UP CRYING, BUT DOES NOT KNOW THAT SHE HAS BEEN CRYING. I WONDER WHY LIFE IS LIKE THIS? IS THERE A REASON OR ARE WE JUST CAUGHT UP IN A SOCIETAL ACCIDENT? A TRANSFORMATION PROCESS LIKE WHEN THE INDUSTRIAL AGE BEGAN. ONLY NOW IT IS ENDING, AND EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT THAN IT WAS A HUNDRED YEARS AGO - EXCEPT FOR THE LIMITED MENTALITY OF A LOT OF PEOPLE'S EGO. AND CAPITALISM IS A GLOBAL DREAM. EVERYTHING IS FOR SALE. I HOPE THAT HER PRAYERS GO TO A BUYER THAT CARES IF THE ETHEREAL IS LIKE HERE. I HOPE THAT THE OWNER OF HER PRAYERS DOESN'T ENJOY ABUSING HIS PRIVELEGES. "I'M GOING TO HOLLAND TO SELL MYSELF IN A WINDOW." HER CLIENT LOOKED AT HER AS THOUGH SHE WAS OUT OF HER MIND. AS THOUGH SHE HAD PULLED OUT SOME PCP OR ASKED HIM TO TAKE A BIG, BLACK ONE RIGHT UP HIS BEHIND. "THAT IS DANGEROUS, AND STUPID." HE STATED WITH CONFIRMATION. ON THE SW SIDE OF PHILADELPHIA THERE WAS WORKING GIRL IN A CLOSET WITH HER EAR CUT OFF, AND A CAN OF PEPSI FILLED WITH URINE THRUST DOWN HER THROAT. BEFORE THEY PUT HER IN THE CLOSET, THEY WORKED HER FOR 50% OF HER MONEY. BY THE TIME SHE PAID OF ALL HER FEES, SHE EARNED ABOUT 25%. SHE MAY NOT EVEN HAVE HAD ANY EXTRA MONEY TO BUY A CAN OF PISS TO CHOKE UPON... IT IS STRANGE HOW WE KEEP THINGS THAT ARE SCARY HIDDEN IN THE CLOSET. DEEP WITHIN THE FIGURATIVE CLOSET WHICH ACTS AS A BARRIER BETWEEN THAT WHICH IS REAL, AND THAT WHICH IS FABRICATED TO BE REAL, THERE ARE VICTIMIZED MARTYRS OF CONTAINMENT INTO SOCIETAL EXPLANATION. SOME THINGS SIMPLY ARE. WE CAN NOT ASK WHY, FOR THERE IS NO REASON. T HERE MAY NEVER BE ANY ANSWER. IT SIMPLY IS THE WAY THAT IT IS. HOW FRUSTRATING. NO ONE IS TAUGHT IN SCHOOL THAT THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. THERE ARE ANSWERS FOR EVERYTHING. THERE SIMPLY ARE ?THERE MUST BE .... THERE MUST BE SOME KIND OF REASON. "MONEY", SHE THOUGHT. HER STATEMENT COMES AT THE PERFECT MOMENT TO ANSWER A QUESTION SHE WOULD NEVER BE ASKED. SHE IS GOOD AT THAT. THOUGH. SHE IS S0 USED TO THE HALF HOUR AND HOUR INCREMENTS OF TIME, THAT SHE ALWAYS KNOWS JUST WHEN TO COME AND JUST WHEN TO GO. SEE THEM OFF. TELL THEM OFF. GETS THEM OFF. SHE ALWAYS GETS OFF. ALWAYS WILL. NEVER ASK WHY, BECAUSE SHE CAN N0T TELL YOU, BUT SHE'LL ALWAYS GET OFF. JUST LIKE THE DEVIL. DON'T ASK WHY. OR YOU'D SAY IT WAS ALL JUST A WICKED. WICKED. WICKED. LIE. SHE'D LIE ABOUT IT ANYWAY. SHE'S ALLOWED TO DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO NOW. WHATEVER SHE HAS T0 DO. REGARDLESS OF ANY CONSEQUENCE. SHE COULD DIE IN A CLOSET ALL ALONE. OR WHILE PEOPLE STAND OUTSIDE THE DOOR LAUGHING. EVERYDAY IS A GAME OF RUSSIAN ROULETTE. EVERYDAY IS JUST ANOTHER GAME. IT IS SAD THAT IT HAS BECOME THAT WAY. THAT IS WHY THERE IS SO MUCH LOVE BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE FEAR. AFTER THAT GIRL GOT TAKEN OUT OF THE CLOSET - FOR SOME REASON EVERYONE FELL IN LOVE WITH THE GIRL I'M WRITING ABOUT HERE. BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE FEAR. IT COULD HAVE BEEN HER, BUT SHE IS SO CONCENTRATED ON WHAT SHE HAS TO DO EACH DAY. SHE NEVER REALLY STOPPED TO CARE THAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN HER WITH BRUISES ACROSS HER FACE, AND HER EAR ON THE FLOOR, AND HER SOBS NOT HEARD BY ANYBODY WHO WOULD EVER CARE. SHE LOOKED INSIDE OF HER WALLET TO SEE HOW MUCH MONEY SHE HAD LEFT. IT WAS NEAR EMPTY, AND SHE BEGAN CRYING HEAVILY. |
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